a letter
*(I am writing this for my wife. I would rather not put it where others can read it, but I know who I am. I know that if I write this elsewhere and hide it then I will forget what it says and I will be that much more likely to fall, to stumble, to act in a way that does not say to my future wife... "I love you." And that is something that I would much rather avoid. So if you think this is a bit awkward, perhaps too personal, then don't go any further. But perhaps in what I have to say to her you will find some blessing, some words of wisdom that I never earned. If you continue reading, then I hope that you will both be blessed and see God glorified. May he stop my hands from typing if I do not glorify Him.)*
Dear you,
I'm sorry. I really don't know how else to start this off. Even though I seem up front about how I much I've fallen, how far, how often...I know that I'm not. I'm still holding back. Maybe it's just a process.
A part of me doesn't want you to forgive me. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve your love. I would like to say something incredibly romantic, like "I love God more than I love you...and I love you a lot." But if you saw me, who I am, how I am, you would see the actions of someone who doesn't love God.
And who doesn't love you.
I didn't wait for you. I gave myself away to lust, losing myself far too often in sex, masturbation, pornography and it hurts so deep that it feels like my soul is bleeding. I want to break the keys beneath my fingertips with the effort I want to put into what amounts to an electronic scream of...
"I'M SO, SO SORRY!!!" It burns, how painfully deep my shame is, that I am afraid of you, that I am umanned by the idea of you. Without God holding me up to face myself, I could never love you. You frighten me, and not just because I do not, and never will deserve you. I am afraid of who I am without you. I do not love Christ, by my words and my deeds. If now, without you, I do not love Christ, then I cannot be with you!
Sometimes I think about our wedding. I do not know how I will be able to walk. The very idea of the day cripples me. I've tried to imagine before, what it might be like to say the words, "I do." You should have seen Zach, when he married Courtney. I was so proud of him, so proud of my brother. He stood strong, he stood tall. And I know to this day that he did so and continues to do so by the grace of God. Thank the Lord that I have such a wonderful brother! But I feel much the weaker thinking of our day...if I'm tearing up now just talking about it I can't imagine what that day is going to be like.
I love you.
I don't even deserve to say it. I am so inconsistent, so self indulgent, such a prideful, arrogant man. Only by the grace and provision of God do you see anything worthwhile in me. It is by that same grace and provision that your father has not told you to stay away from me (for if I am without Christ he would be right to do so).
The dream of you convicts me. I am no white knight in search of a princess. I am a poor beggar, seeking desperately to become a knight, whose request has been granted by the grace of an unfair lord who, instead of my deserved execution, washed me clean, shaved my beard, cut my hair, gave me a horse, a sword, a shield, sandles, a belt and a helmet. All this a token of his blessing and calling, to glorify him and seek the expansion of his kingdom.
I have looked for you before our time. I have sought you when and where I should not. Please, forgive me for this, along with all the other ways that I have betrayed you.
From now on I will seek instead to trust God to bring us together, in his time. And wait for you by living for Christ, glorifying his name and his kingdom with all that is me.
I miss you and I love you.
Christ's,
Colby
Dear you,
I'm sorry. I really don't know how else to start this off. Even though I seem up front about how I much I've fallen, how far, how often...I know that I'm not. I'm still holding back. Maybe it's just a process.
A part of me doesn't want you to forgive me. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve your love. I would like to say something incredibly romantic, like "I love God more than I love you...and I love you a lot." But if you saw me, who I am, how I am, you would see the actions of someone who doesn't love God.
And who doesn't love you.
I didn't wait for you. I gave myself away to lust, losing myself far too often in sex, masturbation, pornography and it hurts so deep that it feels like my soul is bleeding. I want to break the keys beneath my fingertips with the effort I want to put into what amounts to an electronic scream of...
"I'M SO, SO SORRY!!!" It burns, how painfully deep my shame is, that I am afraid of you, that I am umanned by the idea of you. Without God holding me up to face myself, I could never love you. You frighten me, and not just because I do not, and never will deserve you. I am afraid of who I am without you. I do not love Christ, by my words and my deeds. If now, without you, I do not love Christ, then I cannot be with you!
Sometimes I think about our wedding. I do not know how I will be able to walk. The very idea of the day cripples me. I've tried to imagine before, what it might be like to say the words, "I do." You should have seen Zach, when he married Courtney. I was so proud of him, so proud of my brother. He stood strong, he stood tall. And I know to this day that he did so and continues to do so by the grace of God. Thank the Lord that I have such a wonderful brother! But I feel much the weaker thinking of our day...if I'm tearing up now just talking about it I can't imagine what that day is going to be like.
I love you.
I don't even deserve to say it. I am so inconsistent, so self indulgent, such a prideful, arrogant man. Only by the grace and provision of God do you see anything worthwhile in me. It is by that same grace and provision that your father has not told you to stay away from me (for if I am without Christ he would be right to do so).
The dream of you convicts me. I am no white knight in search of a princess. I am a poor beggar, seeking desperately to become a knight, whose request has been granted by the grace of an unfair lord who, instead of my deserved execution, washed me clean, shaved my beard, cut my hair, gave me a horse, a sword, a shield, sandles, a belt and a helmet. All this a token of his blessing and calling, to glorify him and seek the expansion of his kingdom.
I have looked for you before our time. I have sought you when and where I should not. Please, forgive me for this, along with all the other ways that I have betrayed you.
From now on I will seek instead to trust God to bring us together, in his time. And wait for you by living for Christ, glorifying his name and his kingdom with all that is me.
I miss you and I love you.
Christ's,
Colby
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