The Difference Between Active and Passive Listening

It would be fair to describe conversation as a picture being painted by two people with only one brush. Some pictures then, are painted by only one person, while the other does little more than watch. Other pictures are a jumbled mess of chaotic strokes of the brush, colors clashing, lines mashing, two images butchering each other into art-less debris.

But there are some paintings full of color and lines all blending seamlessly. Let us look closely, and try to find where one person stopped and handed the brush to the other. Maybe here, maybe there, but as they took turns painting, working together, no definitive moment of transition can be found.

My pursuit of becoming a better listener, to actively listen, has been to come to a place of care and skill in which I can influence conversations into places of beauty and art, in which the marvel of the painting is the peace and the comfort in the hearts of those I have served. That they would feel heard, and not only heard, but understood.

The biggest difference between active and passive listening, as I have experienced in my time as a chaplain (and a husband), is how I define the goal of my taking part in a conversation. If my goal is chiefly to express myself, then I am only passively listening to the other person, simply waiting my turn to speak. If my goal is to understand the other person and to assist them in expressing themselves, then I am actively listening.

Notice how the mind of the passive listener is like someone with their hands full. As the person they are passively listening to reaches out to them with their words, like someone who has fallen and is asking for a helping hand to stand up, they cannot help them, because their hands are full. But the active listener has a mind like someone with nothing in their hands. They are instead ready to reach out and grab the hand of the person needing a hand up.

And so when I say that in order to be a chaplain you must be willing to actively listen to someone, I mean that you must actually listen to them.

What sort of chaplain would I be if I used hospital patients to express my own thoughts and desires?

Hardest part of active listening is that it takes a constant re-focusing on the person you are listening to. Passive listening is easy, you are essentially on cruise control. Fine for a highway, but what about for a person deep in suffering, needing a loving hand? It takes constant effort to maintain the focus necessary to actively listening. It is a discipline, like anything else, almost a muscle, you might say.

As a chaplain there are constant opportunities to actively listen. But as the days wear you down, as the coffee runs dry, as the ER calls pile up, it is easy to allow the weariness to lull you back into passive listening.

Several helpful tips for us chaplains, and anyone who wants to love others well...
  • Talk with a mentor or close friend about what it means to listen. Oddly enough, talking about listening with someone who knows you and can critique you, especially a mentor, keeps the concept and its practice fresh in your mind. By mentally chewing on the concept, you are continually digesting the process and internalizing its intricacies all the more.
  • Listen to your body's needs. It was the hardest for me to love others well through active listening when I was tired, and hungry, and in my own personal pain. Self-care is the first step to caring for others. As my mentor, Brian, would often say, "put on your own oxygen mask before you help someone else put on theirs."
  • Ask God to help you. Seems a bit of a given, but it really isn't. We so easily forget the active role that God plays in our lives, and for all things, but especially this wonderful thing that is active listening, we will certainly need God's grace and help in mastering it to any degree.
  • Practice! Practice! Practice! Every time you talk to someone, be active, be intentional, empty your "hands" and work with the other person to paint the picture.

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